My plan to start a Class Action Suit against Bob Vila
I just got some legal advise today about starting a class action suit against Bob Vila. You know Bob from his well known TV series This Old House, and more recently from his commercials for Sears and other brands of home improvement services and supplies. But a Class Action Suit? Why?
Well first I know that I am not alone in my plight with Bob Vila. He is a constant source of irritation and extreme frustration and the root cause of much marital discord around my house. I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands of husbands, dads, significant others in relationships, that get all kinds of grief because of Bob Vila.
Let me tell you what the tipping point was for me. I live in Vermont, and we don’t really get hurricanes here much, if ever so it seemed. But then Irene changed all of that in a hurry just a few weeks ago. In preparation for that event, I had bought some roof cement for my barn roof, which it seems always has a leak or two – Always.
Knowing that 60 MPH wind gusts can push water into any crack or crevice, I was determined to spend a few hours up on the roof patching what I could. As I was getting prepared, can opened, ladder propped up against the barn, putty knife at the ready, my wife walked by and asked what I was up to. I explained the task at hand and she was delighted that I was indeed addressing an old on-going issue with the multiple drips that always seem to occur.
Upwards I go to the roof, implements in hand and I begin to survey the situation. I place
the materials at the peak of the roof and start pacing along looking for some of the most
obvious points of leakage I could find. Then my bladder starts calling me that the 3 cups
of coffee I rented (you never really own coffee or beer) earlier were ready to depart. So
down the ladder I go to take care of that business and I go into the house to handle that.
That’s when IT happened. As I walk through the downstairs door, heading for the bathroom, my wife sees and me and smiles big while saying, “You’re done already?”
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH Darn You Bob Vila, I’ll get you for this!! And so here I am contemplating not IF but when I shall strike my legal saber at Bob Vila for not only myself but for tens, nay hundreds of thousands of other frustrated husbands.
You see Bob Vila created this monster that I call FEAR – Fanatical Expectations About Reality having to do with home repair/improvements. I don’t need any more FEAR in my life, let alone one that lives right here in my home!! Bob Vila is the Dr FEARenstein here, and he did it through that damn TV show of his.
You see my wife, and countless other people I am certain, have this unrealistic expectation of how long ( or short ) it takes to complete home improvement tasks around the house and property. This misconception is the sole responsibility of Bob Vila.
Bob Vila it seems could do anything, from updating and entire bathroom, to completely remodeling a 28 room Victorian home in just under 60 minutes! That fact is the premise of my class action suit as it has personally caused me terrible pain and suffering from the nagging and questioning. I have suffered quite enough trauma to my already fragile male ego, relative to questioning my basic manhood, to wit, “if Bob Vila can do this in 20 minutes but you can’t, then what the hell is wrong with you?
So off I went last week, yellow pages in hand to find an attorney who would be interested in make 5-10 million dollars on out Class Action Suit. I found one too and he had drawn up a preliminary agreement that would be sent out to millions of known viewers. GREAT – now we’re taking some action and not just talking anymore. Let see here, it says that indeed the Class Action Suit would be anticipated to be awarded 10 – 20 million dollars in awards ( Oh I am so psyched – Bob you are going to pay for this finally!) So the breakdown is expected to be 5-10 million to the legal team and the rest of us would get, hmmmm lets review the fine print here………… WHAT????????????
Wait a damn minute!! This is not what I want at all!!
It says that we would all get our choice of any TWO VHS taped seasons of Bob’s show between 1979 and 1989!!! You have got to be kidding me!!
Forget that then. I’ll just keep doing what I have done for the past 20+ years –
Ignore my wife!!
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